By: Lord Iris
"Love is the most beautiful thing to have, the hardest thing to earn and the most painful thing to loose".
Every love stories has the happiest part in your life. It gives you hope and courage to live but then... it could make you feel the great sea of despair and a taste of hell...
What makes you feel like hell is your expectation that it should feel like heaven. It is right to be happy when you are deeply fall in love but you must be blind if you're not ready to feel the tragedy of it...
.................
I thought that my life starts when I was born but I was wrong. Everyone's life starts if he/she is starting to know themselves...
I was in grade one when I felt that I'm trapped. My soul was trapped inside the body of a boy. This made me realize that life would not be easy for me and love would be forbidden to me...
I wish that I was like them, I wish that I can move in this world without any hesitations. Every breath I take has the taste of fear... the fear of being judge and the fear of being hurt...
I don't have the courage to live but when you realize how lonely it is to be by your own... you will be kind but being kind is not enough or should I say that there is no such thing to make them accept you. You are only tolerated but you're not totally accepted...
I'm demure, discreet and weak but there is a light inside me. I'm scared of many things but I realized that my greatest fear is the fear of loosing you.
...................
It was afternoon when I first saw you... the sky was clear and the sunlight turns everything something magical. Your dark brown hair falls into your beautiful brown eyes, your lips are pinkish and your skin is pale. I never felt this way before but I like the way how I felt that day...
Our first interaction was the day when I was bullied by different students. You protect me from them. It is the first time that I felt I'm secured. Your not just handsome outside but your heart is also filled with kindness. You are my hero, my guardian angel and the only person who showed me kindness...
We became the best buddies. You are always here for me, you care for me and your the only one who accepted me for what I am. You are like my big brother...
Many years ago... our friendship still the same but my feelings for you bloom like a lily of the nile. I cherish you but I can't loose you so I concealed what I feel for you...
I'm the one who is making the love letters for the girls you like but every word inside it are the words that I wish I could tell you. I endure the pain looking at you happy with them because I know that I can't endure the pain if you leave me...
You experienced many relashionships but I was not because you already captivate my heart. You always cry in my arms because of the girls who broke your heart and you keep wishing that I would be a girl too...
I can't take this any longer. I just wanted to see you happy but how should I do that? I'm just your bestfriend... I want you to feel how much I care for you. Just look in my eyes and you will see...
I remember the day I first said that I love you... your reaction was priceless but we are the same. Your eyes was filled with tears... I thought your tears symbolizes your disappointment to me but I was wrong. You replied to me and you said the most precious words I've ever heard
"I love you, since the day we first met"
That day is the happiest part of my life. You give me stength, courage and hope to live. Your family accepted me like I was also their child. We cherish every moment being with each other...
It was our first anniversary when you sing to me your favorite song... the fall for you by secondhand serenade. You also gave me the boquet of white roses which simbolizes purity and innocence. You love me like how much I love you. You said that we are meant for each other...
Our relationship was filled with picture perfect memories. You never lie to me, you never cheat over me, you always have time for me and you love me...
You always protect me from every person that could hurt me. We love each other, we never fight each other and I never felt even a bit of anger when I'm with you... your the kindest person I've ever met...
Our 5 years relationship was the taste of heaven but five years was still short... we promise that we are always here for each other...
Till death do us part...
But our relationship ends...
It was your Mom's birthday so we ride a bus to visit them. I never forget that day... we are holding our hands tightly then the accident happens...
..................
When I woke up I thought it was just a dream. I'm inside the hospital. There is no one inside my room. My back hurts so much and my right arm was covered in white bandage but it was real... I feel my heart beating so fast.
I'm so scared... even my body hurts, I forced myself to stand. I just wanted to see you my love. I remove the apparatus in my mouth. I walk outside the room to find you. I just want to see you safe and sound...
I saw your family crying inside a morgue... my heart starts aching. I came inside and I saw your cold body covered with blood...
I run to wake you up. I hurt myself just to make sure it was not a bad dream but I failed... I burst so much tears. I don't care if you are already dead. I hug you tightly and kiss you for the last time...
After that everything blackout. Your mom said that I collapsed. I don't feel my body hurts anymore I just feel the pain in my heart. I feel that it was breaking like a glass into small pieces. I never plan to come on your funeral. I don't want to see you dead. I wish that I can endure this pain but I know that I can't. I wish that your alive and I'm the one whose dead... or maybe we both died that day...
Once again everything blackout. You appeared in my dream. I know it was just a dream. I wish that I died too because I just wanted to be with you...
I will never forget what you said...
"You know what? I really love you so much. Did you forget that? I don't want to see you crying. I want to make you smile but you need to understand everything. Everything happens for a reason. If you really love me, you will keep on living and you will fulfill your dreams."
"But my dream is to be with you".
"That is why you need to find new happiness in this world, I will always be by your side, I will always guide you and I will never stop protecting you...."
Then he kissed me on my lips but after that he was completely vanished...
I came to visit his burial...
"In the name of the Father....."
I feel that there is a burning in my chest. I don't want to see your dead body again, I'm looking at the flowers that symbolizes your death, I was so depressed and I saw your name that was written on a ribbon...
"And of the Son......"
It feels strange... I want to be with you. I remembered all those moments we cherish together and our dreams that we build together. It was all nothing now... I can't do all of it without you...
"And of the Holy Spirit".
I started to cry harder... I can't conceal all this burning tears. It is so hard to accept the fact that you're already gone. You are my life...
"Amen"
After I put a flower on your coffin I don't know what to think. You are the only person who comforts me...
...................
A year later I came to visit you...
I'm always wearing all these white outfit because this color simbolizes our love to each other. I put this white roses in front of your grave...
Your presence still lingers here. I know that you are looking at me right now wherever you are...
I wanted to tell you the pain of loosing you because I know that you can hear me. I know that you will always be my guardian angel but after all this pain... I just wanted to thank you for all those times that you are with me before. Every moment I feel complete and I feel so much joy when I'm sleeping on your chest... thank you so much. You are the only one that I love. It's just... the fate is so exited to take you away from me. Even you are already dead... you still give me hope and courage to live. Thank you for the love...
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